Heck's Kitchen

HECK NO: Is This the New Hell’s Kitchen Slogan?

I was wobbling up Eighth Avenue earlier today when I saw it: four storeys high, bright as a tourist’s fanny pack, screaming across the side of a building:

“HELL’S KITCHEN, HECK YEAH.”

I froze. A chill ran down my spine. Was this… official?

Did we, as a neighbourhood, workshop this in a town hall I missed? Was there a community vote? A branding committee? A single human with taste?

I looked around to see if anyone else was reacting. Nothing. A woman walked by sipping a lavender oat milk latte like it wasn’t the end of linguistic dignity in Manhattan. A man in a “Fuggedaboutit” hoodie squinted at the mural like it owed him money, then continued taking photos of a passing police horse.

I started spiralling. Were we the first neighbourhood to be rebranded by a wholesome auntie in the middle of saying “hecking gosh dangit”? Was this mural the first step in a citywide initiative to turn Manhattan into Disney Epcot’s New York Pavilion? What’s next? Good Golly Hill? Gee Whiz Bay?” Is this going to be a national trend?

I started texting my neighbours and fellow New Yorkers. My friend Bear L. Edwards replied on Instagram: “Visit Historic Hoover Darn!”

Maybe it’s just some marketing campaign from the local bodega. Maybe there’s a free hat involved. Maybe the mural’s ironic (God, I hope it’s ironic). It certainly isn’t iconic.

But please, for the love of profanity, can we just stick with Hell’s Kitchen? We already have to tolerate the people trying to make Manhattan West happen. And if you’re going to put something on the side of a building, at least let it be true:

“HELL’S KITCHEN: WHERE THE HALF-NAKED GUY NEXT TO YOU IS DEFINITELY HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH THAT TREE!”

‘til next time,

Your pal,

Postscript:
It appears to be some kind of marketing campaign for the hotel itself. And yes, as suspected… there is a hat involved.